Time to talk TFMR

This blog post will be a little different. No pretty English scenes, no food pictures and no National trusts in sight.

This is going to be about having a termination for medical reasons, TFMR. Sadly, this is something that I have experienced and after going through it, feeling totally alone and misunderstood, it is a topic close to my heart and something that needs to be recognised.

Despite having gone through this in October 2017, it is still something I find difficult to talk about. I've gone through the grief of losing both my parents when I was young but having to have a TMFR was one of the most harrowing experiences I have been through and I felt I went through it alone. And I am angry about that.

Its something I have been working on with my therapist and I have also had a second therapist who specialises in post traumatic stress disorder. One in six women who lose a baby in early pregnancy experiences long term symptoms of post traumatic stress. However, nearly everything written on the subject will be about miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies but never TMFR.

I had a miscarriage earlier on in 2017, then had to terminate my second pregnancy six months later and I can tell you the termination was far more horrendous; yet I was treated the same. You will receive flowers and some well-meaning platitudes but that's it. I would have received far more support if I'd have actually had a baby but yet when someone loses a baby the support and understanding dwindles so quickly.

There is a lady I follow on Instagram and she's the reason I am talking about this today. She has been through such a tough time and she is a real ambassador for talking about TFMR. She is the reason I have felt I was able to talk about it. I have also joined a group support meeting called SANDS which has been really beneficial as I didn't know anybody who had been through this and I was getting sick of people telling me I should talk to their friend/sister/mother because they had had a miscarriage.

Lets talk about the difference between a miscarriage and having to make the 'choice' to terminate. A miscarriage has been decided for you by the powers that be/science/mother nature. It is very sad an no one really tells you about the aftermath of what you have to go through; the hospital visit, the bleeding, the hormones, the hair loss. Not to mention the grief and despair.

With a termination, you are told if the baby survives the full 9 months in the womb it will be born severely disabled and not likely to survive a few days after being born. Continuing on the pregnancy also puts the mother's life at risk. So your 'choice' is to terminate.
This conversation happens whilst your baby's heart is beating inside of you. Your bump has started to show and you have survived the tiring, nausea filled first three terrifying months, so happy that you haven't had any signs of miscarriage.

No-one wants to make that decision and then have to wait a week for the appointment to go back to the hospital to be put under anaesthetic, knowing that when you wake up, you wont be pregnant anymore. Can you imagine what that's like? You still experience the bleeding afterwards, and more hair loss. 2017 was not good for my hair!

After this happened, I was in shock, grieving and on the brink of depression. In truth I had already embarked on this journey into depression after suffering a miscarriage. Maybe I should have opened up more but because no one understood what I had gone through I felt I had nowhere to turn. It was a very dark time. The hospital gave me a leaflet and a card with a number to call but I really feel they should insist on booking you in to counselling as lord knows, you will need it.

If we can get this recognised more, get people to understand it, then the 3500 women who experience this awful thing wont have to go through it alone. If you know someone who has had a TFMR, don't compare it to a miscarriage and show them you understand the difference. Check in on them and keep checking in; they will need the support of a good friend for a long time afterwards.